Spiritual Thoughts

 It’s about 5am and I can’t sleep. I woke up around 3 with a migraine. It’s a headache I’ve been fighting for days, I woke up with it yesterday morning as well as last Sunday. I’m not sure if I was weaker today or if the pain was really worse, no matter, I got up and stumbled to the kitchen to take Excedrin and hope I could keep it down long enough to work, and not throw it up with the nausea that seems to come with such excruciating pain. I layed down and eventually awakened Jordon and asked for a blessing. Being the wonderful man he is, within minutes he was up and giving me a priesthood blessing. Then afterward got me a cold rag for my forehead and then laid down and held my hand till my pain subsided, which thankfully it did. During this time, I laid and listened to my mp3 player. I was listening to some general conference talks by Elder Holland. There are a few favorite general authorities that right now during hard times, their voices bring peace to my heart. Elder Holland is definitely one of them, it doesn’t matter what address, I just love to listen to him.

In high school I had the opportunity to sing a solo in a church activity where we re-enacted “women at the well”. I was the woman with an issue of blood and sang her song “close enough to touch”. If you have never listened to this soundtrack, it’s beautiful! It was my one and only time I’d ever sung a solo in front of an audience, it was both terrifying and exhilarating. There is just something about singing a song that you have practiced so much that you almost feel you’ve become that person and feel deep in your heart the words you are singing. I have no doubt now that it was no coincidence I was asked to sing that song. With my many health problems over the years, I feel much like that woman who suffered so long with an infirmity, yet had so much faith knowing that all she had to do was touch the garment of the Savior and be healed, and she was. It has become one of my favorite stories, one that helps keep me going in hard times.

During my internship in Las Vegas, yet another difficult time in my life, I became well acquainted with the story of the apostles toiling on the stormy water. In multiple different accounts in the four gospels of this story, one in particular mentions how the savior watched from a hillside, the apostles toil on the water. He knew of their suffering, and had to let them work and suffer for a time. It wasn’t until the fourth watch (between 3 and 6am) when they were so exhausted and tired that they couldn’t hold on any longer, he stepped in and calmed the storm. I saw this exact thing happen in my life at that time and it was an extremely humbling experience to know that no matter the trial, we have to toil “alone” for a time, but we are never truly alone, the savior is always watching. But he may not step in until we are in our fourth watch. But it’s important to remember, he will step in and help you.

I have a picture on my living room wall of the savior standing on a rock in the middle of a raging river. He’s holding a little boy in one arm and pulling a little girl out of the water with the other arm. I love this painting. I have felt like both children many times before. I have felt like the little boy who has been held and carried across the raging river, and I’ve felt like the little girl who only moments earlier was holding on for dear life to the rock about to be pulled away in the raging river, and when she was about to let go and couldn’t hold on any longer, the Savior pulled her to safety. I sometimes will sit and listen to calming church music and look at that picture. I am grateful for the tools I have to help me feel peace in my life and the knowledge I have of these things, it makes times like this just a little easier to handle. I know the Savior is there for me, I feel his presence in my life each day when I’m willing to let him in. He is always there waiting for me to let him in (just like that painting if him knocking at the door with no doorknob). We just have to be willing to let him in and allow him stay. 

Well those are my two cents for the morning, hopefully now I can go back to sleep now that I’ve gotten my thoughts out. Thanks for listening!